Wednesday, July 22, 2015

A Few Jokes About Mormons


Mormons sure can be a touchy bunch. After all, they've got this huge persecution complex thing going on, which is fed into regularly by leaders, literature and regular church visits. They're fighting the sins of the world constantly, because the rest of us are going to pin them to the floor and make them drink beer and coffee at the same damn time!

Needless to say, many Mormons really get offended when I poke fun at their religion. They're sick of hearing about their magic underwear and the prophet with his face in a hat. Well, I say fuck that. I'm posting some great jokes about Mormons just to prove that I don't care if Mormons have a stick shoved so far up their ass that they think it's their backbone.

Enjoy, everyone!


















Monday, July 20, 2015

The Mormon Church is Out of the Adoption Business... Sort of

So this happened a while ago, and I was going to blog about it way back then, but life got crazy and I fell off the horse with my blog. Here I am playing some catchup, because this is an issue that likely slipped right past some of you, but I think it's important to note.

The Mormon church has bowed out of the adoption business, starting way back in March of 2015. At least it appears it has... kind of. Confused? I'll explain.

Back in March there were some news stories about how the church was handing off its adoption procedures to Adoption.com. You can read about it on KSL.com (which is owned by the church) by clicking here. It seemed like a harmless thing to so many people, and to others like a curious move.

One thing you need to understand about the Mormon church, if you don't already know it, is that the leadership is actually pretty crafty. They saw the writing on the wall about gay marriage and made a strategic move to get out of the adoption business before they faced a legal showdown when it came to permitting legally gay couples to adopt children. Of course this doesn't avoid other potentially troubled legal battles relating to BYU and other church entities, but LDS Family Services likely would have faced some immediate consequences after the Supreme Court decision.

If you didn't read the article, the gist is that the church is going to front the $199 monthly fee on Adoption.com for Mormon couples who meet certain criteria (i.e. do what the church wants). It might seem like a nice thing to do, considering that the organization suddenly stopped handling adoptions. The thing is there's more going on than the article lets on, which is so typical for KSL.

First off, the Mormon church has been in danger because of fathers of babies who have been adopted out by the religious organization say they weren't included in the decision process. According to the fathers, they were told different things to keep them out of the process, or just plain weren't told about the adoption plans until things were finalized. As you can probably guess, the fathers weren't married to the mothers, so I'm sure that the church thought it was doing some good by getting the babies into worthy households where people wear funny underwear and hang on every word uttered by some old white guy with big ears. The thing is that those kinds of activities don't go over so well anymore, so that was making the whole LDS Family Services adoption thing kind of a problem.

Second off, the move distances the church from any discriminatory practices when it comes to adoption and gay married couples. Adoption.com does accommodate gay couples, something the church simply wouldn't do.

Interestingly enough, the thing that some say finally killed the Mormon church's involvement in the adoption business was its "business model." While that's a horrible term for anything having to do with adoption, that's how the church ran things. It saw young, unwed mothers as baby-making resources, the babies as capital and the adoptive parents are consumers. The organization became really good at convincing the single mothers that they couldn't raise a child and that they absolutely would feel great that their kid was being raised by faithful Mormons instead of by a sinner like them. Well, attitudes have changed and less girls were falling for the bullshit, so the church is hopping out of the game. Add to that the fact that more young girls are taking precautions and not getting pregnant.

On a side note, the parent company for Adoption.com is Elevati, which is based in Rexburg, Idaho. That city is basically all Mormon and is the home of BYU-Idaho. Coincidence? Maybe, but maybe not.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Why Is Utah So Weird?

There's no denying it, Utah's a weird place. Everywhere has its quirks, but the sad truth is that 99% of the weirdness in Utah can be traced back to one source: the Mormon church.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Mormon Bishops and Their Crazy-Ass Opinions

Most people who haven't been Mormon really don't get how the church runs, especially on the local level. In a general area, usually several square miles or so (or in Utah, a single neighborhood) is designated as a stake. You have a stake president and other leaders over it. Then that stake is divided into wards, which are usually a few dozens families. A bishop is the head of the ward.

When I was Mormon, most bishops served for about five years. I knew one poor guy who'd been in the position for nine years straight, but that was unusual. Mormon bishops still work a day job and they put a shit ton of hours into their "calling" so it's a pretty bad gig to get stuck with. I've only known a few people who openly expressed an interest in becoming a bishop. Of those, not a single one who made the cut and became a bishop was a very good or nice one.

Sadly, I had a lot of asshole bishops, ones who had strong opinions on all kinds of crazy-ass topics that your average person would think is no big deal. For example, one bishop I had said that we had to talk to him if we kissed a boy in a car, even if it stopped at just kissing. Another bishop I know would discipline people for just having playing cards in their house. When I was an adult, I had a bishop who was on a crusade against women receiving oral sex from their husbands, because that was totally his business.

On the flip side, I did have a few (very few) cool bishops, like one who would say that he loved having sex with his wife and it wasn't a bad or dirty thing. Or the bishop I had who admitted the best movies were all rated R.

That's the thing with Mormon bishops, some will get on the excommunication wagon because you read your horoscope in the paper, while others will think nothing of someone in their ward buying a six pack of O'Doul's. I wonder how many people have been kicked out of the Mormon church simply because they got a crazy bishop at the wrong moment?

As a Mormon, you're taught that whatever a bishop does is "inspired" - kind of. Sure, they're not "the prophet" who apparently can't lead you astray, but you're still not supposed to question whatever a bishop does as long as he doesn't piss on a painting of Joseph Smith. In fact, I had people tell me that the worst men were made bishop so they'd learn to be better people. The only thing is that since nobody would call bishops on their shit, those men didn't become better. In fact, my observation was that they became even bigger assholes than before, because power corrupts.

I don't miss worrying every time a new bishop was being selected in my ward, wondering if the new guy would start ripping everyone a new one for wearing sandals to church or chewing gum on fast Sunday. Life is much better now.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

It's General Conference Time in Utah Again


It's spring in Utah and that means one thing: General Conference. It's one of two times each year that Mormons gather and talk about how they should all follow exactly what their leaders say, toot their own horns about how great they are, and nod off in the many meetings they're supposed to watch and pay attention to. The gathering draws in Mormons from all over the world and can make living here a little hellish.

As I wrote about in my first book, Mormons flood the state of Utah every time there's "conference." To some that might sound silly, because they think everyone's Mormon here, but what they don't realize is that most people here either aren't Mormon or don't go to church at all. The faithful (i.e. Nazi) Mormons congregate here like they're all going to be lifted up to heaven or some shit like that, and it gets really annoying.

First off, traffic gets really bad. You see a disproportionate number of out-of-state plates on the roads, including some from the East Coast. Many of these people have absolutely no idea where they're going, or they're busy gawking at EVERYTHING so it makes traffic move slower than normal as they swerve around a take a picture of the 20th chapel they passed in as many blocks. Holy shit...

If that's not enough, they cram in all the stores, which I guess is good for our economy, but it's bad for if you need anything. Many of them come to Utah expecting to find only one thing: people just like them. So when they see me pushing a cart while drinking a coffee, wearing a tank top and short shorts, they get judgmental and pissed. I've had some make snide comments to me about how I'm going to hell or not "following the prophet" which is narrow-minded, rude, and telling of how Mormons are as a group.

When they have the men-only meeting this next Saturday, you'll see all the ice cream from the grocery stores evaporate. It's tradition to go get fatter after sitting in the boring-ass two hour meeting women are banned from attending (but they now apparently show on television - why would I waste the time watching that shit?). On top of that, the women have their own "girls' night" during the gathering of the Stepford Men's Club, and oftentimes they eat (get ready for it)... ice cream!

Is there any wonder why most Mormons are fat-asses?

Just about every year lately I say I'm going out of town during conference, but I always get busy with life and forget that it's coming up until it's too late to make plans. Then I cuss up a storm on the roads, mumble it under my breath at the grocery store, and vow I'll get the hell out of here next April and the upcoming October. Then I start to think, "wait, this is MY home and I shouldn't have to leave because a bunch of judgmental, clueless Mormons invade for their Mecca celebration of boringness twice a year!" So maybe I should drop the fantasy of leaving and just live my life like normal, because I don't have to accommodate other people and their silly beliefs.

There is one positive thing about conference: with few exceptions, some Mormon leader says something completely stupid and it lands in the news. Many times it's multiple leaders, exposing just how out of touch with reality they are. 

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Utah Will Make a White Collar Criminal Registry

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It's all over the news here: the Utah legislature is about to create the first white collar criminal registry in the United States. National news publications have been picking up the story, heralding it as a great way to protect consumers from people who repeatedly engage in scams. The thing is, here in Utah the registry could have some interesting consequences.

The authorities call white collar fraud an "affinity crime" because these people often leverage the fact that they are trusted by the people they dupe (or something similar to that, by my understanding).

What that means here in Utah is that a lot of people who scam others leverage their status as a member of the Mormon church. I can't tell you how many people I've personally known who were ripped off by their bishop, or who had a bishop who moved out of their house in the middle of the night and went on the run from the feds.

I went to BYU (crazy, I know) and within a few weeks of attending classes there was approached for the very first time by a scammer. Every spring there would be people standing all over the campus trying to recruit students for bug spray or alarm system sales jobs, many of which were scams. Multilevel marketing schemes were rampant in the area, and I quickly learned to tell people to go fuck themselves when they approached me with that shit. The worst was when friends would fall for it, because sometimes it would mean the end of the friendship.

That's one of the reasons why scams are so damn successful in Utah. Thanks to so many people in the state being Mormon, a lot of people have many connections that they can abuse to get money. Add to that the fact that many Mormons are afraid to throw some elbows when someone's working them over, at least when it's someone who's "like them." If you're clearly an outsider in this state, you'll get thrown out on your ear, but if you're the "right" kind of person who blends in with everyone else here, things are different.

From what I've seen, the Mormon church and its minions are working overtime to spin statistics and make it seem like Utah is not the scam center it truly is. The fact is that scammy health companies, such as those that sell juices that supposedly cure all kinds of things (hasn't anyone ever heard of snake oil?), are pretty common here. So are the bug spray and alarm system companies that use really aggressive sales tactics and offer questionable services. We also play home to a ton of "wealth management" services or places that will tell you how to get rich and manage all that money. Call centers are all too common in Utah as well, with many of them being used to push illegal, unethical and maybe even immoral services or products.

I'm all for this white collar criminal registry. After all, what'll happen when all these faithful Mormons find out that their current bishop or stake president has been bilking people out of money for years? I can see the registry helping push the garbage out of here as scammers look elsewhere for easy, gullible targets.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Mormon Church Leaders are a Bunch of Old Shits


I ran across the a great little article in the Salt Lake Tribune today, written by the illustrious Peggy Fletcher Stack (who still tries to ignore my existence). It was all about how the top leadership of the church has an average age of 80, which is the oldest ever.

For example, the "president" or "prophet" of the church, Tommy Monson, is 87. Boyd Pecker (I mean Packer, of course) is pushing 90. The oldest is Tommy Perrry, who's 92.

The article then goes on to focus on some bullshit stuff Mormon bloggers are writing about making all "apostles" emeritus members at age 90, just to shake things up. I guess Mormons are getting tired of being led by a bunch of guys who still think cassette players in cars are a thing. I mean, they've charged full-force into this fight to "protect" their religious rights, which are guaranteed in the First Amendment, as part of a "secret" mission to make sure homosexuals don't have any "enhanced" rights like not being fired from their job or having a bakery tell them it does do gay wedding cakes.


The honest truth is that the old shits leading the Mormon church are a problem. They shoot their mouths off like it's still 1961 and they can say all sorts of derogatory things about gays, blacks, women, apostates, and anyone else they don't like. In this day and age of the Internet, such slip-ups go viral, and then the true leadership of the church, which is of course the PR department, has to step in and clean things up. So these fine Mormons want a solution: nobody over the age of 90 in there. Because, you know, the sayings true: you can't trust anyone over 90. Period.

I actually have a better idea. Throw all of the church leaders in a big maze with barbed wire, old boards, chains, hacksaws, rusty axes, slingshots, and stuff like that in there. Have them duke it out, even kill each other. Whoever's the last one standing gets to be president, because Mormons need a leader who'll do what it takes to win, even if it means killing. After all, that's what made the church great in the early days.

So the next time you hear a Mormon church leader say something embarrassing, but remember it's not them speaking for God, it's him speaking as the insane old man that he is. And Mormons will always, always follow their crazy-ass prophet, no matter what.

Really, they should just hurry up and get Elder Vader in there to straighten things out: