Sunday, March 29, 2015
It's spring in Utah and that means one thing: General Conference. It's one of two times each year that Mormons gather and talk about how they should all follow exactly what their leaders say, toot their own horns about how great they are, and nod off in the many meetings they're supposed to watch and pay attention to. The gathering draws in Mormons from all over the world and can make living here a little hellish.
As I wrote about in my first book, Mormons flood the state of Utah every time there's "conference." To some that might sound silly, because they think everyone's Mormon here, but what they don't realize is that most people here either aren't Mormon or don't go to church at all. The faithful (i.e. Nazi) Mormons congregate here like they're all going to be lifted up to heaven or some shit like that, and it gets really annoying.
First off, traffic gets really bad. You see a disproportionate number of out-of-state plates on the roads, including some from the East Coast. Many of these people have absolutely no idea where they're going, or they're busy gawking at EVERYTHING so it makes traffic move slower than normal as they swerve around a take a picture of the 20th chapel they passed in as many blocks. Holy shit...
If that's not enough, they cram in all the stores, which I guess is good for our economy, but it's bad for if you need anything. Many of them come to Utah expecting to find only one thing: people just like them. So when they see me pushing a cart while drinking a coffee, wearing a tank top and short shorts, they get judgmental and pissed. I've had some make snide comments to me about how I'm going to hell or not "following the prophet" which is narrow-minded, rude, and telling of how Mormons are as a group.
When they have the men-only meeting this next Saturday, you'll see all the ice cream from the grocery stores evaporate. It's tradition to go get fatter after sitting in the boring-ass two hour meeting women are banned from attending (but they now apparently show on television - why would I waste the time watching that shit?). On top of that, the women have their own "girls' night" during the gathering of the Stepford Men's Club, and oftentimes they eat (get ready for it)... ice cream!
Is there any wonder why most Mormons are fat-asses?
Just about every year lately I say I'm going out of town during conference, but I always get busy with life and forget that it's coming up until it's too late to make plans. Then I cuss up a storm on the roads, mumble it under my breath at the grocery store, and vow I'll get the hell out of here next April and the upcoming October. Then I start to think, "wait, this is MY home and I shouldn't have to leave because a bunch of judgmental, clueless Mormons invade for their Mecca celebration of boringness twice a year!" So maybe I should drop the fantasy of leaving and just live my life like normal, because I don't have to accommodate other people and their silly beliefs.
There is one positive thing about conference: with few exceptions, some Mormon leader says something completely stupid and it lands in the news. Many times it's multiple leaders, exposing just how out of touch with reality they are.
Saturday, March 14, 2015
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The authorities call white collar fraud an "affinity crime" because these people often leverage the fact that they are trusted by the people they dupe (or something similar to that, by my understanding).
What that means here in Utah is that a lot of people who scam others leverage their status as a member of the Mormon church. I can't tell you how many people I've personally known who were ripped off by their bishop, or who had a bishop who moved out of their house in the middle of the night and went on the run from the feds.
I went to BYU (crazy, I know) and within a few weeks of attending classes there was approached for the very first time by a scammer. Every spring there would be people standing all over the campus trying to recruit students for bug spray or alarm system sales jobs, many of which were scams. Multilevel marketing schemes were rampant in the area, and I quickly learned to tell people to go fuck themselves when they approached me with that shit. The worst was when friends would fall for it, because sometimes it would mean the end of the friendship.
That's one of the reasons why scams are so damn successful in Utah. Thanks to so many people in the state being Mormon, a lot of people have many connections that they can abuse to get money. Add to that the fact that many Mormons are afraid to throw some elbows when someone's working them over, at least when it's someone who's "like them." If you're clearly an outsider in this state, you'll get thrown out on your ear, but if you're the "right" kind of person who blends in with everyone else here, things are different.
From what I've seen, the Mormon church and its minions are working overtime to spin statistics and make it seem like Utah is not the scam center it truly is. The fact is that scammy health companies, such as those that sell juices that supposedly cure all kinds of things (hasn't anyone ever heard of snake oil?), are pretty common here. So are the bug spray and alarm system companies that use really aggressive sales tactics and offer questionable services. We also play home to a ton of "wealth management" services or places that will tell you how to get rich and manage all that money. Call centers are all too common in Utah as well, with many of them being used to push illegal, unethical and maybe even immoral services or products.
I'm all for this white collar criminal registry. After all, what'll happen when all these faithful Mormons find out that their current bishop or stake president has been bilking people out of money for years? I can see the registry helping push the garbage out of here as scammers look elsewhere for easy, gullible targets.
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
I ran across the a great little article in the Salt Lake Tribune today, written by the illustrious Peggy Fletcher Stack (who still tries to ignore my existence). It was all about how the top leadership of the church has an average age of 80, which is the oldest ever.
For example, the "president" or "prophet" of the church, Tommy Monson, is 87. Boyd Pecker (I mean Packer, of course) is pushing 90. The oldest is Tommy Perrry, who's 92.
The article then goes on to focus on some bullshit stuff Mormon bloggers are writing about making all "apostles" emeritus members at age 90, just to shake things up. I guess Mormons are getting tired of being led by a bunch of guys who still think cassette players in cars are a thing. I mean, they've charged full-force into this fight to "protect" their religious rights, which are guaranteed in the First Amendment, as part of a "secret" mission to make sure homosexuals don't have any "enhanced" rights like not being fired from their job or having a bakery tell them it does do gay wedding cakes.
I actually have a better idea. Throw all of the church leaders in a big maze with barbed wire, old boards, chains, hacksaws, rusty axes, slingshots, and stuff like that in there. Have them duke it out, even kill each other. Whoever's the last one standing gets to be president, because Mormons need a leader who'll do what it takes to win, even if it means killing. After all, that's what made the church great in the early days.
So the next time you hear a Mormon church leader say something embarrassing, but remember it's not them speaking for God, it's him speaking as the insane old man that he is. And Mormons will always, always follow their crazy-ass prophet, no matter what.
Really, they should just hurry up and get Elder Vader in there to straighten things out:
Sunday, February 15, 2015
I've been in the writing business long enough to know that delays are just something that happens. What I'm really saying is that I shouldn't have opened my big mouth and said that my next book, Hot Sex with the Mormons, would be ready by the beginning of February. Here it is the middle of the month and it's still not ready.
The important thing is that the book is good when it comes out. I know some people will think the title of the book is for shock value, and it is. I mean, I wrote two other books with the word "Fucking" in the title, so the title of my upcoming novel is pretty tame.
Hot Sex with the Mormons is a collection of short stories about Mormons and hot sex. I think the world needs this book because Mormons are thought of as these super uptight people. I can tell you from going on many dates with Mormon guys they are pretty damn horny. Think about it: how could they have so many kids if they aren't humping like gorillas?
Oh, and I've been in some positions where I have seen just how many married Mormon men have torrid affairs with other women... and men. It's the dirty little secret nobody wants to talk about. Sure, my book will be a work of fiction, but it will have its roots in reality.
My new book should be published sometime in the near future, and of course I'll post on here once it's ready!
Until next time,
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Well, there you have it, people, the cover of my new book! I'm hard at work putting the finishing touches on the thing, but in the meantime you can gawk at the cover and fantasize about what's inside.
Just in case you're wondering, the book is a collection of stories about Mormons having sex, of course! There are a variety of stories and scenarios, but all of them are hot, hot, hot!
Soon, I'll announce when the book is published. And be sure to look for more from me, because I've been a busy, naughty girl lately ;)
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Those of you who have been with me since the beginning of my crazy time with this blog realize I've taken a break. Not only did I stop writing books for a while, but I also had my Twitter account shut down. Long story short, I used that time to evaluate what I'm doing and where I'm going.
And you also know that I'm back on Twitter and blogging again. And now, I'm working on a new book that's called Hot Sex With the Mormons. Actually, I've been working on it for a long time, but I'm pushing it toward publication, like really soon.
That means all the Molly Mormons and Peter Priesthoods should whip out that tube of KY they keep hidden under their bed and get ready for some awesome time with my erotic words and their left hand.
In case you can't tell from the title, it's a work of erotic fiction, and it's about Mormons. The book is a collection of short stories, some with longer orgasms than others, with each one highlighting Mormons going down the primrose path of seduction and carnal knowledge. In other words, it'll be a book people will read on their Kindle in church while acting like they're referencing the Doctrine and Covenants. Hopefully they sit in the back and excuse themselves when they can't take it anymore and need to finish things off in one of the bathroom stalls.
So get ready, because the book is making its way through the final stages of publication and soon will be out where everyone can enjoy it.
Saturday, January 10, 2015
I got the laugh and shock of my life when I read in the Salt Lake Tribune that TLC is forging in a new direction with its "reality" television programs. Apparently, one of its newest shows will be about gay Mormon men who are married to women, and one who wants to get married to one.
To say the whole thing's fucked up is putting it way too lightly. These guys are attracted to men but refuse to call themselves gay, and so do their wives. I know, you're probably thinking what I did: "Isn't being attracted to men the very definition of gay?"
While I was shocked and humored at first, I quickly realized that I had known some people like them while going to BYU. At the time I thought it was odd, but now I realize that such relationships are the symptom of a sick culture that really screws with people's minds. The men somehow think they can "fix" themselves by not acting gay, even thought that's what they are. The women somehow think they're doing this divine service by being with a guy who likes men.
Sexual dysfunction is common amongst Mormons, or so I've been told by psychiatrists in Utah and a friend of mine who's a sex therapist. These people on the show are splitting hairs, saying the men aren't gay but are just SSA (same sex attracted) because gay is a lifestyle and they can choose to not act on their attractions. By TLC airing this bullshit, they could potentially be luring other people into this stupid trap. Hopefully the public realizes how fucked up these people are, but it worries me.
This attitude isn't exclusive to Mormons, but it does help to know the background to understand why these men and women are behaving like this. Mormon leaders in the past have said all sorts of stupid-ass things about sexuality, including that homosexuality is akin to pedophilia and bestiality. One leader, who is still around and shoots his mouth off constantly (his last name rhymes with "pecker") has said that masturbating leads young men into a life of homosexuality. If that were the case, the vast majority of men would be gay! Oh the stupidity!
By the way, whatever happened to TLC being The Learning Channel? Its programming has gone to shit, and this latest show is showing a new all-time low.