Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Mormon Armies

They say that Islam is the religion of peace, yet so many people who profess to follow it have carried out some pretty horrific acts. Back in the 1800s Mormonism was referred to as the Islam of the West. There are a number of similarities between the groups. Also back in the 1800s was the Mountain Meadow Massacre, an event that involved Mormon men in the Utah territory slaughtering pioneers who were trekking from the Midwest to California. Those pioneers did indeed include women and children and the Mormons who partook in the slaughter dressed up as Native Americans and used trickery to slaughter their relatively defenseless prey.

From the time I was a little girl I had heard about Mormon armies. There were the armies that the Mormon church created to combat mob action against Mormon communities in Missouri as well as the military in the city of Navuoo, with Joseph Smith leading the group. Add to that the many times I heard that various people received a patriarchal blessing that detailed out how they would be members of a Mormon military that would fight the forces of evil as the shit hit the fan during the Apocalypse.

I am not shitting you: there are quite a number of Mormons who believe their church will need to raise a military to rival pretty much any other one out there so they can protect their way of life. Think about that one for a moment.

Can you imagine Mitt Romney with an AK-47, ready to defend Mormonism from an onslaught of liberal free-thinkers? This would explain why I knew so many Mormon boys and men who were obsessed with guns, military tactics, spy games, etc. Quite a few Mormons go into the CIA and FBI and I would argue this is one reason why. If you ever see a Mormon general authority (the top brass in the church) out and about, you'll notice they will be accompanied by a force of men who look like Secret Service agents.

I also grew up hearing about how this military force would be able to use the priesthood to pick up mountains and throw them onto their enemies, etc. Of course this means the military force is made up of men since women can't have the priesthood to use mountains as weapons of mass destruction.

All of this has me thinking I might have a good story idea here. I'm going to play with this one and see where it goes, but I think there is some potential for some interesting storytelling.


  1. WOW! God's true army being led into battle by a an old guy in a wheel chair, picking up Mountains and hurling them like racial slurs against the minions who would be kicking at the pricks! Battle Star High Priest Warriors onward!!!

    Now that the Church is relaxing its stand on gays, and as long as they don't act on their gayness, they could design some dazzling uniforms ("OMG did you see the Zouaves uniforms in the Civil War (Google, Zouaves uniforms): they even had tassels on their caps") that would make the evil hordes tremble as the Army Of God marches forward, towing all kinds of mounds, hills, escarpments, and big ass bad mountains. Screw Daniel and his measly rock rolling, we're going to clobber you with fucking Mt. Everest. That should impress the sisters and let them know who's boss.

    No more of that Love Your Enemies bullshit, starting out with the Deacons...we are going to crush your nuts.

    I can see it now: "Brethren, after you have completed your Home Teaching, check with your Group Leader for this months issue of bullets from the Stake Armory at your PPI (Priesthood Practice Insurgency)training, at the Wards firing range. Sisters are welcome to come as long as they stay well behind the firing line. The opening Hymn will be Onward Christian Soldiers, followed by Brother Jones who will talk on the proper execution of the first penalty, the slicing of the throat."

    Fuck this wimpy-ass Jesus shit, we're going kick your gentile butts and you can't touch us, cause we got on special protective undies, ne-ner-ne-ner-ne-ner.

    At one point, under Joseph Smith, the Nauvoo Legion was half the size of the US Army. "Yea, we ain't relying on Gods protective hand, he's to busy finding lost car keys." " your duty!"

    1. I forgot how large the Nauvoo Legion was! Mormons are anything but pacifists, that's for damn sure. I think the story idea has real potential and some opportunity for lots of action (both the fighting kind and the sex kind, if you know what I mean). And I could always put ol' Peckerd in there somewhere...